


And the Soul Felt Its Worth

by thesaddestboner



Category: Baseball RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Baseball, Family, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Non-Famous Family Members As Characters, Not!Fic, Religious Conflict, Religious Imagery & Symbolism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 17:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1313302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaddestboner/pseuds/thesaddestboner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When the doctor placed the baby in his arms, Adam realized what it meant to want to live for someone else.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	And the Soul Felt Its Worth

**Author's Note:**

> This is unfinished, but if I'd finished it it would have been sort of bildungsroman-y and about Adam Everett's life.
> 
> BTW, [this](http://nullrefer.com/?http://dekeysersoze.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/12466-adameverett.jpg) is Adam Everett. He's retired now.
> 
> Title from the traditional Christmas carol, “O Holy Night.”
> 
> You can find me on [twitter](http://twitter.com/thesaddestboner) and [tumblr](http://saddestboner.tumblr.com).

When the doctor placed the baby in his arms, Adam realized what it meant to want to live for someone else. He’d had a vague idea of the concept ever since he dedicated his life to Jenn and, of course, when he accepted his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, into his heart, but he’d never truly understood _why_ he would want to do something so—so drastic and _permanent_ for someone else, whether it was Jenn, whether it was his savior. It was just instinctual, autonomic, not something he questioned, doubted, wondered about.

And then the doctor placed the baby in his arms and Adam peeled back the folds of her fuzzy pink blanket and suddenly, with stunning clarity like God Himself had shone a spotlight on him, Adam understood.

Jenn, lying limp and drained, blonde hair clinging damply to her forehead and neck, smiled faintly. Her thready voice wafted up from the hospital bed. “She looks just like you.”

Adam smiled and looked back down at the tiny baby, the tiny miracle he and Jenn created together, and bounced her gently in his arms. “Hey there, sweetheart,” Adam whispered to her. “Hey there, Peyton.” 

The baby opened her eyes—sky-blue just like his—and, for a split second, looked right at him. She quickly closed her eyes, scrunched up her little red face, and let out an ear-shattering wail. Adam laughed uneasily and hastily handed her back to Jenn, who cooed at her and tucked the blanket back under her chin.

“Got quite the set of pipes.” Jenn laughed tiredly and closed her eyes, as she stroked her fingers through the thin blonde fuzz on Peyton’s head. 

Adam pulled up a chair next to Jenn’s bedside and rested his elbows on the comforter. “Maybe she’ll be a singer when she grows up...” Adam trailed off and reached out, covering Jenn’s hand with his.

“She’s perfect.” Jenn moved her fingers slowly through Peyton’s hair, and soon the baby was quiet, rocked to sleep against her mother’s chest.

Adam pressed his chin against Jenn’s shoulder and chucked Peyton’s chubby little cheek. He could hardly believe such a perfect little thing was part of him and part of Jenn.

But he understood now. He understood completely.

-

Adam accepted Christ as his personal Lord and Savior during his freshman year at the University of Southern Carolina. Like most of the guys he played with, he was there on a scholarship, far away from the place he called home, and the people he loved. Most of the other guys, Adam noticed, filled the voids with sex, alcohol and sometimes even drugs. It wasn’t a life Adam wanted for himself, but he didn’t know how to handle it—the emptiness.

He drank some and went to parties, even tried pot once, but none of it helped. That big, gaping void was still deep inside him.

Adam thought about sex, maybe finding a local girl to spend some time with, but every time he eyed a girl on campus or in town and tried to picture himself _with_ her—in the Biblical sense—all he could see was Jenn’s pretty face, her trusting eyes, her loving smile, and he couldn’t bring himself to do it. After a while, it got so bad that he couldn’t even look at another girl without getting sick to his stomach with guilt, so he just _didn’t_. Didn’t look, didn’t chat, didn’t flirt. 

He knew some of the guys on the team thought he was strange, thought he was a queer or something, so Adam started taping pictures of Jenn—pretty, blonde, perfect—up in his locker, and then the whispers stopped.

“Adam?”

Adam looked up from the task at hand—waxing of his baseball mitt—into the concerned eyes of his double play partner, Jeff.

“Hey,” Adam said, smiling and putting his glove and rag aside in his locker. “What’s up?”

Jeff took his baseball cap off and twisted it in his hands. “I wanted to ask you a question.”

“Go ahead,” Adam said. He motioned for Jeff to take a seat next to him, and he did, but it didn’t seem to ease his nerves any. Adam wondered what the hell was making Jeff so nervous.

“Adam, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior?” Jeff stared at him intently, and Adam squirmed a little under his spotlight-like gaze.

“I, I’m Christian,” he said, feeling suddenly odd, caught off guard.

“How often do you go to church here in Columbia, though,” Jeff asked.

Adam shrugged and glanced down at the carpet under his feet. It steadied him somewhat. “I—I went to church a lot back home, in Georgia.”

Jeff paused, as if to weigh his next words carefully. “I’ve noticed you’ve been... struggling a little, lately.”

Adam glanced up. “A little bit, I guess. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“You don’t have to deal with it alone,” Jeff said.

Adam looked at him then, really looked. “I guess I didn’t really think of it like that before. I’ve got a support system, I guess, but—”

“You still feel lonely.” Adam nodded. “I did too, when I first got here. I—I’d like for you to come to church with me this Sunday,” Jeff said. “You should meet my pastor. I think you’d really like him.”

Adam shook his head slowly, and laughed. _This is all going so fast_ was on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t think his teammate would appreciate the humor. “I’ll try to make it, Jeff. I think I might have plans,” he said, knowing that he didn’t. He only felt a little guilty for lying to Jeff. He wondered if Jeff could tell.

“I hope you can,” Jeff said, smiling and grabbing Adam’s hand in his, squeezing. “Take care, Adam.” Jeff stood and headed off for his own locker.

Adam reached out and felt the thin chain around his neck, and the tiny cross that he’d tucked into the collar of his warm-up. The cross had been a gift from his grandparents and he’d always worn it, but he’d never really _thought_ about it before. He’d never really wondered _why_ he wore it. It was just a piece of jewelry to him, for the most part. But to people like Jeff, it wasn’t. It was a symbol of their faith. To them, it was a constant reminder of Christ’s sacrifice.

Adam was half tempted to tear the necklace off and stuff it to the very back of his locker. He suddenly didn’t feel as if he was worthy to wear it. But he didn’t.

He got up, grabbed his glove, and hurried after his teammates, the tiny cross rubbing against his skin under the collar of his shirt.

**Author's Note:**

> The author of this piece intends no insult, slander, or copyright infringement, and is not profiting from this work. This story is a complete work of fiction and does not necessarily reflect on the nature of the individuals featured. This is for entertainment purposes only. If you found this story while Googling your name or the names of your friends, hit the back button now.


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